Search the internet and you will find countless articles about what NOT to say to people who have adopted. (901,000 Google results last I checked) There exists a whole litany of dumb remarks that are commonly said about adoption. Unfortuately, most adoptive parents never forget these comments and the people who say them.

You remember the person who was well intentioned, but tactless  and asks, “Does your baby know how LUCKY he is? (No, actually we are the ones who are lucky blessed).

The person who was ridiculous and wonders: “Are you going to tell her she is adopted?” (to a Caucasian family who just brought home a daughter from China).

The person who was stupid and wants to know: “So, does he speak Spanish?” (asking about a four month old from Honduras)

The most unforgetable of all is the person who is downright mean, and in horror exclaims: WHY would you DO something like this? (to me, at the park in front of my two children, staring wide-eyed at this person we just met).

There is more, but you get the picture. You can’t make this stuff up. Sadly, every adoptive family has its The Worst Things Anyone Ever Said To Us list.

But whatever. Instead of giving these negative comments any more undeserved attention, can I tell you about just a few of the wonderfully supportive remarks that have been said to us over the years? The amazingly kind things people have done?

Because the vast majority of people we have encountered have been incredibly supportive and excited for us.

The day our youngest came home, the well wishes poured in, gifts appeared out of nowhere, and we were flooded with congratulations on our newest family member. Never have forgotten all the generousity shown to our family during this time (and on such short notice, no 9 month advance warning of this sweet boy’s arrival).

When our baby was two months old, we happened to be at a local shopping mall and my husband was sitting in the courtyard with him as I shopped.  A lovely African American grandmother was resting nearby and she commented on how handsome our son was, but worried  aloud that we had our baby out in the sun too much, he was too tan. My Caucasian husband listened politely and then explained to her the baby was adopted and Biracial. What, she exclaimed, why he looks just like you!  Then she smiled and said triumphantly, Well, the Good Lord knows exactly what He is doing, doesn’t He?  She was visibly moved and gave my delighted husband a big hug.  Bless you and your family, she said. Never forgot this lady.

When our son was in preschool, we were moving again and as we were packing the truck, his teacher drove  up and knocked on the door. She was distraught because she hadn’t seen me during the last week of school and made a special trip over to say good bye.  With tears in her eyes she said, I want you to know how much I love and support what you family is doing.  My own brother is adopted, we love him dearly and now he and his wife are hoping to adopt as well, partly because he is so thankful he came into our family via adoption. He wants to give the same love he received to another child. Never forgot this teacher.

When our son was in high school, the office secretary once said to me that if she was in a large room full of moms and their children, she would know immediately which kid my son was. Since we look nothing alike, I wondered aloud how this was so? She replied, “Oh, you have the same smile, the same speech and the same mannerisms. I would know right away which child was yours“.  Never forgot this secretary.

You never forget a simple kindness, a positive comment. You and I can be this person who is never forgotten. We can be the one who encourages and inspires, says the loving, positive thing and is remembered and thanked many years later.

That’s the person to be.