(Imaginary conversation about parenting between the Current Me and my Younger Self)

Current Me: Hey, are you ok?

Younger Self: Um, yes I think so. I’m about to have my first baby and of course, am very excited and well, I just really want to do all the right things so I can have an emotionally balanced, developmentally advanced, academically successful, spiritually aware human being who will give back to the planet in multiple productive ways.

CM: All the right things?  Ok, like what?

YS: Oh, you know:  perfectly balanced nutritious meals, intellectually stimulating environments, completely safe and nurturing interactions, total postitive self image enhancement. That sort of thing.

CM: Wow. That is a lot to live up to. Can’t you just relax and enjoy your baby? They are so much fun.

YS: Oh, sure, of course. I am actually planning a sensory challenged space where the baby and I can bond simutaneously over mutally shared experiences. It’s a professionally designed baby proof gym for total optimal physical development.  I’ve scheduled our sessions over the next few months in this Day timer. See here?  That will be fun.

CM: Oh, my.  Three 45 minute naps a day at scheduled intervals?  You are expecting the baby to sleep on cue?

YS: Should it be four? I just hate to miss out on reading readiness comprehension exercises. I understand with proper stimulation, a child can start reading as early as 36 months.

CM: Why is it better to start reading at three? Wouldn’t the baby rather cuddle up with you and hear your soothing voice read Pat the Bunny 6,456,227 times? Won’t he have his whole life to read?

YS: Well, yes, I suppose so. You do make a good point. I just want to make sure he is not lacking anywhere in terms of cognitive development. Reading and memorization stimulate growth in all the neurotransmitters and complete brain development. That and proper nutrition, of course. No sugar, no salt, no nonorganic artificial ingredients.

CM: You do realize his grandmother will give him M&Ms behind your back and he will grow up, in spite of your best efforts, adoring Hershey Chocolate, don’t you?  Not even chocolate of the organic variety.You will prepare countless nutritionally balanced meals and he will only want Cheerios and scrambled eggs. For. Every. Single. Meal.

YS: WHAT? How could that be possible? I am going to follow the instructions in The Always Amazing And Completely Perfect Baby Food Diet and Nutrition Guide for Conscientious Parents.  It is supposed to be full proof.

CM: Well, children sometimes have their own ideas.

YS: But I am going to shape and mould those ideas in a postitive direction! It is about always having optimal choices. For example, my plan is to have a variety of gender neutral toys, that promote nonviolent expression of play in a loving mutually supportive environment so he can practice peace enhancing negotiating techniques with his peer group during the Mommy and Me classes I will have three times a week in our home.

CM: Look, here’s the deal: I can guarantee you now he will turn every stick into a sword and wipe out your prized purple bearded iris, chew that organically sprouted multi grain toast you lovingly prepared into pistols and shoot at imaginary aliens who will live under his bed and ruin every sleep cycle you have planned. And by the second kid, you will be allowing neon orange nerf gun wars with multiple ammo rounds only because weapons in that color don’t look like the real thing.  Those Reading Readiness flash cards and classical Baby Mozart tapes? He will read when he is good and ready and not before AND will grow up to like alternative new wave electronic dubstep music that he will play for hours until your head splits open.

YS: Wow, you seem pretty sure of yourself. How can you possibly know all this? I’m just trying to have an effective plan and be the best parent I know how to be.

CM: Sorry I didn’t mean to get carried away there. It’s a fine plan and of course you want to be a great parent.  You’re not  one yet, but you seem to have read every book, studied all the research of the best known  child psychologists, and have thousands of theories about parenting. Yet, I have only one.

YS: One what?

CM: Theory.

YS: Really?, it must be AMAZING! What is it?

CM:  It’s called:  Whatever Works.